Robin Hood (Red)

(If you're wondering about the (Red) business, click here).

The title is Robin Hood. But besides the title and the character names that’s all that makes it a Robin Hood story.

Seriously.

Ask any child what the story of Robin Hood is and they will tell you it’s about robbing from the rich and giving to the pour. Guess what the plot of this movie is. Stopping the French from invading England.

Seriously.

How horrible is that for a Robin Hood movie?

But even if you try to ignore that fact that this Robin Hood movie has nothing to do with Robin Hood, if you try to just enjoy as a fun medieval war flick, you will still be disappointed.

There is no beginning. By beginning I mean inciting incident. The movie just kind of starts. The English army is laying siege to some French castle for some reason (it has something to do with the crusades, I think but whatever the reason it doesn’t matter). That’s when we are introduced to Robin and his merry men.

The movie drags along. I kept waiting for something to happen. When I looked at my clock an hour had passed and nothing had happened yet. Robin was just walking around running into characters we recognize from the other better Robin Hood stories. They would talk about boring things and I would keep waiting for him to start robbing rich people. He did it once. And it wasn’t that cool.

In between Robin talking to the people from Nottingham there were a bunch of scenes about the French invading England. It was just characters whose names I don’t remember talking about things I didn’t care about. Mostly because at that point in the movie I didn’t think that the invasion was going to be the whole point of the movie.

This is one of the longest movies I have ever watched. Long and boring.

Even the climactic battle at the end of the movie is lame (why on earth is Robin leading the charge?). It’s like an old school version of Saving Private Ryan. Except lamer. There is never any doubt about who is going to win the battle.

“But Tyler, it’s an origin story. It’s about how Robin Hood became an outlaw. That’s why there is no Robin Hood things in the story.”

No one was asking for another Robin Hood movie. What’s worse then another Robin Hood movie? A Robin Hood origins movie.

Robin Hood is not a complicated character or a complicated story. It doesn’t need an origin story. We don’t need to know how he became an outlaw or his motivation for stealing things from rich people. At the very most that would be subtext for an actual Robin Hood movie.

What we have here is overkill. It’s two hours of something no one asked for and what no one wants to watch.

Horrible. Don’t watch it.

By the end I wished I had just watch that sweet cartoon version by Disney where he’s a fox. That was a thousand times batter then this one.

Faux Cursing

My parents raised me not to curse. It wasn’t that big of a deal until I moved to the big city. Then everyone around me was swearing and I had to come up with some faux curse words to shout out when needed or I was going to start dropping f-bombs every time I stubbed my tow or accidently watched Heroes.

Fetch

Fetch is no good. I do not approve of it. First of all because it is way overused and secondly it just annoys me. People know what you want to say so they are going to think about the word you are trying to avoid and that’s just as bad as saying the word. Also, did I mention that it is way overused.

Son of a Bishop

This is a good one but I don’t know that I’ve ever actually used it. For now it’s just my goto name for the Mormon sitcom I will someday write.

Biscuit (can be used after “Mother” or “Sweet”)

This is my favorite faux curse word. I love it and use it all the time. I think I got it from my brother-in-law but I can’t remember exactly. But whenever I bang my shin at work I yell out “Biscuit!”. If it draws blood I usually yell, “Mother Biscuit!”. If something awesome happens, like if I see a two for one cheeseburger sale I yell out, “Sweet Biscuit!”.

OMG, GD, WTF

I don’t use these when I’m mad. I use them when I want to be sarcastic. Also, FTW has nothing to do with WTF. Until recently I thought it was just people trying to be clever when saying WTF. FTW mean For The Win. I still don’t think I’ll ever use it.

Favorite Words and Phrases

In my moleskin notebook I keep a list of my favorite words and phrases. As of May 16, 2010 there are 31 words or phrases on the list.

The kinds of words that make it on the list are words that are fun to say, words that look funny, or words that mean something special to me.

The first two words on my list are Chortle and Girth. It’s no coincidence that this blog is called Chortle at My Girth. Both Chortle and Girth are examples of words that are just fun to say.

Chortle doesn’t really remind me of anything. It’s just a fun word. According to dictionary.com it means “to chuckle gleefully.” Now that’s just awesome.

Girth is a word that makes me laugh. Mostly because it reminds me of my favorite stand up comedian Brian Regan. If you and I were in the same room right now I would do the whole routine for you. So because typing the joke will never be as funny as actually hearing the joke I’ve posted the video for you to watch.

Chortle and Girth are the first two words on my favorite words and phrases list but that doesn’t make them my absolute most favorite words. They just happen to be the first two that made it on there.

I wont tell you what the rest of the list is right now. You’ll just have to check back as I slowly fill in the gaps.

Favorite words/phrases

-Chortle

-Girth

Iron Man 2 (Yellow)

If you're wondering what the (Yellow) business is about click here.

I predicted that Iron Man 2 would be a disappointment and it was but not as much as I thought it would be.

Before the movie came out I kept an eye on its Rotten Tomato rating. It started in the eighties and had sunk all the way down to 66% before raising a bit and settling at 75%. That's a good spot for it.

This movie had so much potential but fails to even try to be an original movie. When I got out of the theater I was only slightly disappointed. Mostly I was just disappointed by the lame climactic showdown. At work the next day, the more I thought about the movie the more disappointed I became.

Why on Earth was Scarlet Johansson in this movie? Her character had no arc and did nothing to move the plot along. At best she was there to help the Avengers/SHEILD story but if you ask me that subplot had way too much screen time. The Black Widow character should not have been written.

Mickey Rourke as Whiplash was almost a cameo. The movie didn't start to get disappointing until after Whiplash's first attempt at taking out Iron Man. That's when he, who was supposed to be the main antagonist, stops having direct conflict with the protagonist and instead spends the rest of his time working in a lab until the end of the movie. Lame sauce.

When he does come back he has his own bigger and better suit but I'm pretty sure that was the same climax as the first movie. It's bad enough that they do it again in the second one but they also have Iron Man and War Machine teaming up to do something we've seen Iron Man do himself. The fight is also way too short.

There is so little antagonism in this movie, it comes dangerously close to boring.

But it's not all bad. Antagonism issues are almost a given in comic book movie sequels .

This isn't a bad movie. Just disappointing. I still laughed out loud more then once. The Iron Man suit is still way cool (as is the new War Machine). The suit case suit was a great throw back to the comics.

I don't know much about acting but I enjoyed RDJ and Mickey Rourke (for the short amount of time he was there). Don Cheadle as Rhodey had some solid moments as well. That roof stuff at the end made me laugh. The only Rhodey complaint I have would be the conflict between him and Tony. The filmmakers were trying to get some much needed conflict in the middle of the movie but it didn't work.

I would say lower your expectation and go see this movie. You'll have a god time if you already know it's not as good as you hopped.

(On the plus side Tony does get drunk while wearing the suit and it's really funny)

Traffic Light Movies

When I do movie reviews on this blog I will designate the movie (Red), (Yellow), or (Green).

A (Green) movie is one you shouldn’t hesitate to watch. Example: Up (Green)

A (Yellow) movie is yellow for two reasons. Either it’s a decent movie but has a couple scenes that are no good or a story line that makes no sense or some other thing that has a negative impact on an otherwise good movie. Example:Avatar(Yellow) is a cool movie but I liked it more when it was called Fern Gully(Green)

The other reason a movie is designated (Yellow) is it’s a crappy movie but it has that one cool thing you should see. But wait until it comes out on DVD unless it’s so cool you should see it on the big screen. Example: 2012 (Yellow) a pretty lame movie but it looks really cool on the big screen.

A (Red) movie is bad movie. Don’t watch it. Example: Transporter 3 (Red)

Bonus rating!

A (GRED) movie is a movie that is so bad it’s good and you should have a bunch of people over to laugh at it with you. Gymkata (GRED)

Mission Pictures

When you send in your mission papers you need to send in a picture of yourself with them. I’m having trouble deciding which one to send in so I need someone else to decide for me.

The Suspicious Croucher

I call this one the suspicious croucher. Why is he crouching? Why does he have sunglasses on? Why are they on halfway? This could work as a mission photo if you think of me as a missionary who looks cool even when he is crouching. Of course I've never been on a mission so I don't know if that's necessary or not.

The Pensive Missionary

My sister took these photos and she told me she doesn't approve of this one because you can see the house in the background. I like it because I look pensive. Or like i've been studying the gospel all day and now I'm on the look out for people to teach. This picture would be better if the plastic slide I had my foot on was in it.

The Horatio

I call this one the Horatio. Not the Shakespeare one. The CSI Miami one. I am clearly looking at some evidence and trying to sum up the crime scene with a not-so-clever one liner. Something like "that son of a bishop should have payed a full tithe."

So those are some of the ones I'm considering. Leave your vote in the comment section for which picture you want me to use.

How to Crush a Toonie With a Train, Part 1 of 3: Spock a Five

I had one goal last week, to run over a broken toonie with a train. This was made possible by a friend of mine who was showing off her broken toonie to me. I commented that I could run it over with a train for her and she was all over that.

But then I lost the toonie. Boo urns.

This three part series documents my attempt to make up for past mistakes and to crush a toonie like a man.

It’s Illegal To Draw On Money

The first thing you are going to need is some change. Try do

ing it with some class. Get a five dollar bill. Study it closely. Does that blue dude look familiar? Yeah. He has the same nose, mouth, and bone structure as Spock on Star Trek.

Once you add the pointy ears and a head of hair worthy of a Vulcan, there will be no denying that Leonard Nimoy used to be a Prime Minister.

You can add some accessories if you feel really daring. Spice up his collar to look like a star fleet uniform. I’ve seen a hand come up from the bottom of the bill with the classic “live long and prosper” gang sign. If you are feeling edgy you can give Spock a goatee making him evil Spock.

(I found this Spocked Five. I didn't break the law)

Obtain the Toonie

Don’t forget that as cool as it is to Spock a five the goal here is to get some change. I’m not a big fan of asking for change. So go buy something that is less three dollars and then hold that toonie close.

You have the toonie but you are not committed yet. There is still time to back out. Popping the middle out of a toonie is the most dangerous thing I have ever done.

Step 2 (soon to come) could kill you.

You’ve been warned.

Movie Trailer Crystal Ball

Iron Man 2 Will Be Disappointing

When the first Iron Man movie hit theaters it came out of no where. A second tier comic book character that only comic book guys knew. There were no expectations and the movie had few flaws so it brought in tons of money and everyone (except my roommate who fell asleep while watching it) loved it. It was the best comic book movie of the year. Way better then The Dark Knight.

Today everyone knows Iron Man and everyone expects Iron Man 2 to be one of the, if not THE best movie of the year. I had hopes it could live up to expectations but not after watching the trailer.

There are too many new characters.

Not only is there a new villain, Whiplash, there is some new business opponent played by Sam Rockwell, there is some chick in a skin tight leather suit (I have no idea if she is a good girl or a bad girl I just know there is no way she can be comfortable in that outfit), and then there is War Machine.

Yes, Rhodey was in the first movie but now that he’s got his own suit he becomes a significantly more important character.

There is no way there is going to be enough antagonism in this movie to warrant two super hero suits.

There is no way they will have enough satisfying character development with all these major characters.

There is no way Iron Man 2 will live up to the hype.

But I hope I’m wrong.


Robin Hood Will Be Dumb

There are too many movie cliches in the trailer for this to be any good. Plus, Riddly Scott is still using Gladiator as his bragging movie and it’s time for him to move on. Just because you win one Oscar doesn’t mean you can brag about it in every movie trailer you make for the rest of your life. What do they think that accomplishes?

“Hey, that movie is directed by the guy who directed Gladiator. That must mean that movie is going to rock. I’m going to lower all of my standards and tweet to everyone that they need to watch this movie immediately.”

I’m not falling for it.


The Best Movie of the Summer

It will be a tie between Piranha 3D and Step Up 3D.

If only they realized there was a market for watching dancers getting eaten by piranhas. Then we could get two movies in one. Also, one of the dancers could be Kate Gosselin. In fact, they could get her to play all the dancing characters so we can watch her get eaten by piranhas over and over again.