Takers (Red)

(red) means don't watch it.

If I had known more about the plot I would have just gone to Scott Pilgrim again.

It’s almost a remake of The Italian Job.

There are a bunch of thieves who throw out all their own rules for one last job. This one last job is an Italian Job. They actually use those words. I couldn’t believe it.

An Italian Job is to blow up the street under an armored truck and then take the money and run away in mini’s.

The first half of this movie is very boring. Mostly because we’ve seen it all before, in that one movie with Mark Wahlberg. When they finally get around to doing the job it all goes sideways on them.

They should have watched the DVD a couple more times before trying to imitate it.

There was one action scene I found to be entertaining. The rest of it was uninspired and dragged on for too long. The friend sitting beside me left to go to the bathroom as Chris Brown’s character started running from the cops. She was able to get back before the chase scene was over. I swear he was running for at least a week, or at least that’s how long it felt.

After the job goes sideways the writers are stuck with finding ways for the characters to get out. They must have just watched The Departed cause they went with the kill-everyone solution.

The comic relief in this movie was the dialog. I wouldn’t be surprised if the script said, “say the most gangster thing you can think of.”

With a script like that it’s no wonder Paul Walker sounds like an idiot.

There are a couple sub-plots in this movie that don’t really make sense. The whole issue with Matt Dillon’s partner didn’t really lead to anything (but I did find it interesting) and the crack head sister was pointless. Why did they write her in the movie?

It bothered me how there were no good guys in this movie. The Center of Good kept flipping back and forth between the cops and the takers. When people started dying I wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. “Didn’t that guy just kill a cop? Why is the heavy handed violin music telling me to be sad he’s trying to be Butch Cassidy?”

T.I. Sounds like he’s trying to be Snoop Dog.

Snoop Dog is funny and so is T.I.

T.I. Just doesn’t realize he’s the joke.

Skip this movie.

Predators (Red)

Ya it’s (Red) but who didn’t see that coming.

Also, (Red) means don’t watch it but if you do plan on watching it anyway I’m just going to say there are SPOILERS AHEAD!

One of the biggest problems with this movie is its level of antagonism peeks in the first act. There are a bunch of people dumped on a planet who are being hunted by aliens who can turn invisible, have heat vision, and laser guns and what not. At first they have no idea what’s even going on. Then they figure out they are being hunted and that no one ever survives. There is no way out of the situation. Bleak. Very high antagonism.

Then every twist in the movie gives them a little more hope. They find a survivor. Suddenly it’s possible to defeat the unbeatable aliens. Then they find out there is a ship. Now they have a way off the planet. Then they find out the aliens don’t get along. Now they have allies.

Ya, I know. Bad things do happen. This is a one-by-one the “good” guys get killed off but that doesn’t do anything for the story and doesn’t really change the level of antagonism either way because everyone knows who’s going to make it to the end.

In a good movie the level of antagonism is supposed to get bigger and bigger not smaller and smaller. Predators starts out with an impossible situation and then clumsily and illogically allows the protagonist to figure out a way to get out.

Kind of.

The worst part is that the movie doesn’t really end. They kill three or four predators (it's hard to keep track of after a while) and then the movie ends. The thing is there are more predators on the way. Early on in the movie the one guy who was able to outsmart the predators and who has been living in hiding for years tells them that when one of the predators dies they figure out how they were defeated and then come back even more powerful.

So I assume that’s what’s going to happen.

The story didn’t really reach a point where everything was solved. There was no absolute irreversible solution to their problem. It just ends. And we are left thinking, “Well wait a sec. They killed a couple Predators and it’s all over? Aren’t there going to be a bunch more coming right away? Why are the credits rolling? Nothing has happened. They are in the same situation they were in at the beginning of the story except they are now covered in sweat and mud.”

And this is a small thing but what the heck was with that song for the credits. I don’t know the name of it but it seems like they forgot they needed a song and just picked the first song that came up on their iTunes. I’m going to go against what Larry David has taught me and give them the benefit of the doubt and assume there is an inside story that I don’t know about.

I’ll be honest. The only reason I watched this movie was to see Topher Grace die a horrible death. By the time it actually happened I just wanted everyone to die. There was no logic to the characters. They just did things that were convenient for exposition.

Also, the predators can turn invisible. How is it possible that even the most BA human can defeat them? They can turn invisible and shoot you from far away. You can’t even hide from them cause they have heat vision. With all these advantages how is it possible that they can still get shanked by a death row inmate? That actually happened by the way.

There aren’t enough good things in this movie for me to recommend that you watch it or even rent it.

Knight and Day (Red)

If you're wondering what (red) means, I'm trying to tell you not to watch this movie. If you need a better explantation click here.

When I go to see a summer action movie with Tom Cruise in it I have certain expectations. One of them is action. The other one is not a bunch of jokes.

And yes I did see the trailer before I saw this movie and yes there are a bunch of jokes in the trailer but I expected a good balance of action and comedy. There was no balance. It was a fantastic disappointment.

This is the structure of this movie.

Each scene started out with some witty banter. They would attempt some jokes, they would try and create some chemistry, the bad guys would come and they would find themselves in an impossible situation from which there is no foreseeable escape. Then Cameran Diaz would get drugged and pass out. The screen would go black and next thing you know they are out of peril and on to the next scene.

Repeat this five or six times and you have the entire movie.

There are two kinds of endings in classically told stories. The protagonist gets the object of desire or they don’t. In summer action movies starring Tom Cruise he always gets what he wants by the end. It’s always a happy ending. We don’t go see these kind of movies cause there is a chance he might fail. We go to see it to see how he does it.

That’s the part of the movie that gets skipped over in Knight and Day.

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are surrounded by gunman and there is no possible way for them to escape. Tom randomly druggs Diaz and she passes out. The next scene shows that they some how escaped from the bad guys but we have no idea how. Instead we are left with the thought, “it would have been cool to see how they got out of that impossible situation but I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with these not-as-clever-as-they-think conversations they are having.”

They are being shot at by an enemy aircraft so they have to run along the beach until they get to the hidden helicopter so they can shoot down the bad guys and run away. Except that Cameron Diaz gets drugged before we can see any of the really cool stuff.

It’s too bad one of the few original stories of the summer is so crappy. There is nothing in this movie worth watching.

Robin Hood (Red)

(If you're wondering about the (Red) business, click here).

The title is Robin Hood. But besides the title and the character names that’s all that makes it a Robin Hood story.

Seriously.

Ask any child what the story of Robin Hood is and they will tell you it’s about robbing from the rich and giving to the pour. Guess what the plot of this movie is. Stopping the French from invading England.

Seriously.

How horrible is that for a Robin Hood movie?

But even if you try to ignore that fact that this Robin Hood movie has nothing to do with Robin Hood, if you try to just enjoy as a fun medieval war flick, you will still be disappointed.

There is no beginning. By beginning I mean inciting incident. The movie just kind of starts. The English army is laying siege to some French castle for some reason (it has something to do with the crusades, I think but whatever the reason it doesn’t matter). That’s when we are introduced to Robin and his merry men.

The movie drags along. I kept waiting for something to happen. When I looked at my clock an hour had passed and nothing had happened yet. Robin was just walking around running into characters we recognize from the other better Robin Hood stories. They would talk about boring things and I would keep waiting for him to start robbing rich people. He did it once. And it wasn’t that cool.

In between Robin talking to the people from Nottingham there were a bunch of scenes about the French invading England. It was just characters whose names I don’t remember talking about things I didn’t care about. Mostly because at that point in the movie I didn’t think that the invasion was going to be the whole point of the movie.

This is one of the longest movies I have ever watched. Long and boring.

Even the climactic battle at the end of the movie is lame (why on earth is Robin leading the charge?). It’s like an old school version of Saving Private Ryan. Except lamer. There is never any doubt about who is going to win the battle.

“But Tyler, it’s an origin story. It’s about how Robin Hood became an outlaw. That’s why there is no Robin Hood things in the story.”

No one was asking for another Robin Hood movie. What’s worse then another Robin Hood movie? A Robin Hood origins movie.

Robin Hood is not a complicated character or a complicated story. It doesn’t need an origin story. We don’t need to know how he became an outlaw or his motivation for stealing things from rich people. At the very most that would be subtext for an actual Robin Hood movie.

What we have here is overkill. It’s two hours of something no one asked for and what no one wants to watch.

Horrible. Don’t watch it.

By the end I wished I had just watch that sweet cartoon version by Disney where he’s a fox. That was a thousand times batter then this one.