The A-Team (Red)

Find out why (Red) means you should see this movie. Click here.

Drop dead A-Team.

You suck.

There are zero relatable characters. There’s an old guy, a womanizer, a BA who isn’t BA, and a crazy dude who is more annoying then anything. Just horrible all around.

The first part of the movie shows how the A-Team comes together. Kind of. Mostly they come together because they were the only Rangers in Mexico. One of them was dishonorably discharged and the other one was found in the psychiatric ward.

Despite the fact that two of them aren’t even Rangers anymore they all go over to Iraq and fight in the army and what not. They do “cool” things and make “witty” comments. To bad the cool things aren’t as cool as they think they are and the witty comments just make them look like idiots. They spend a lot of time laughing at nothing and slapping each others backs.

It’s all about the plan. They always talk about making a plan to get the job done. What they don’t tell you is that they have to come up with the most complicated plan they can think of. It’s so complicated it makes them look stupid.

You will constantly be asking yourself, “Why did they do that?”

The plot doesn’t make sense. The bad guys are the CIA who are trying to steel templates so they can print their own money. What? Feel free to explain to me why a government intelligence agency needs to steel templates to print their own money.

B.A. was a horrible character and deserves special mention. In this action flick they tried to weave in this lame subplot where B.A. randomly decides that he doesn’t want to kill anyone. I guess it’s supposed to be a big deal. He won’t even shave a mohawk because if symbolized how bad he really was. When he finally does shave the mohawk (was there any doubt he would?) the reveal is supposed to be cool but it isn’t. It’s loud and confusing.

Which is what most of the movie is.

I didn’t think this was going to be an awesome movie but I didn't think it would be this bad. When I saw the trailer I was excited to see the tank flying through the air. I thought, “Hey that’s clever. I bet they have other clever action sequences.” They didn’t. That tank part is the only good part of the whole movie and it’s in ever trailer.

Nothing in this movie isn’t something you couldn’t have come up with on your own after thinking about it for a couple minutes. It wouldn’t surprise me if this script was written over one weekend.

And don’t get me started on the container ship where’s-the-ball game they try for the climax.

Good grief.

The Karate Kid (Green)

It's the first (Green) movie of the year. Find out what it means here.

No more AC/DC on movie soundtracks. Okay? You got that? It’s been done to death and now whenever I hear them it just makes me mad. So it needs to stop.

Plus, it’s The Karate Kid. Why would you play AC/DC on The Karate Kid?

But other then that this was a solid movie.

I called it before the movie. I knew they were going to climb a mountain. They always climb a mountain in these types of movies. Apparently the best way to train for anything is to climb a mountain. And they don't just climb a mountain they climb to the highest part of the mountain. The most scenic part. It always looks fake.

Except for in this movie. In this movie they do all of that but it's looks real because in China they have a mountain that has a staircase that goes all the way to the top. You can't call fowl on that because that's what the characters really would do. That's making conventions work for you.

It’s over two hours long but it doesn’t feel it at all. I was never bored or checking the clock. Going into the movie I didn’t have high hopes for this rehash but I came out surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

There are two things that could have made this movie better. Get rid of AC/DC (when you watch it you’ll think I’m being picky because they only use one AC/DC song and they only use it once) and the other is to not call it The Karate Kid.

I didn’t catch on to this until two days ago so it might be old hat for you but why the heck is the KARATE kid learning KUNG FU? They should have called it The Kung Fu Kid. It’s not like it had any ties to the old movie. None of the characters had the same name and the setting is way different. It’s annoying how much studios depend on built in audiences.

I’m glad that white kid at the beginning didn’t become a main character. It would have been stupid to be surrounded by chinese people and not have any of them as friends of the protagonist. Remember on Tokyo Drift. That took place in Japan but none of the good guys were Japanese. That hick protagonist made friends with every one but the indigenous people and it looked really fake.

Jackie Chan was cool in this movie. It’s the one role where it looks natural for him to be there. His accent finally fits in. There’s no blooper reel at the end to stick around for.

Jaden Smith did fine as the lead. He’s well on his way to following in his father’s foot steps. He even does a song for the movie. And he does the song with Justine Bieber.

It's a fun movie. The action was intense. The fight scene between Jackie Chan and the gang of kids was funny. I'm surprised he would show such restraint. Those twerps would have felt my wrath if they had done that to me and if I knew karate-I mean kung fu.

The fights were hardcore. They were doing flips and all that jazz. I thought because they were twelve year old kids it would be lame but they impressed me. They had cool moves.

One final thing, if you hate movies theaters that are too hot go see whatever movie is playing in theater 8 at South Edmonton Common. The air was cool and it circulated well. Seriously, you could have flown a kite in there.

I Do Like Some Movies

Click here to see how my traffic light rating system works.

Last week I had several people ask me if I liked any movies. I love to talk about movies but there are so many bad movies out there that it seems like I hate most movies. A while ago I made a list of a bunch of movies and gave them a traffic light rating. You’ll notice that there are some (green) movies on this list.

Beowulf (Red)

Black Hawk Down (Yellow)

Ghostbusters (Green)

Ghostbusters II (Green)

Gymkata (Gred)

Ratatouille (Green)

Get Smart (Green)

Hellboy 2 (Green)

Hot Fuzz (Yellow)

Iron Man (Green)

Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus (Gred)

Poseidon (Yellow)

Rescue Dawn (Green)

Serenity (Green)

Speed Racer (Yellow)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Green)

The Dark Knight (Yellow)

The Incredible Hulk (Red)

The Marine (Gred)

The Orphanage (Green)

The Perfect Storm (Yellow)

The Prestige (Green)

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Green)

Valkyrie (Green)

Wall-e (Green)

Up (Green)

Star Trek (Green)

Fast and Furious (Red)

Terminator: Salvation (Red)

Transformers 2 (Red)

Slumdog Millionaire (Green)

One Week (Red)

Twilight (I like to pretend it doesn’t exist or that I watched it)

Knowing (Red)

Defiance (Red)

Taken (Green)

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Red)

Fan Boys (Red)

Bed Time Stories (Green)

Seven Pounds (Red)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Red)

Yes Man (Red)

Day the Earth Stood Still (Red)

Quantum of Solace (Yellow)

The Notebook (Green)

12 rounds (Red but very close to being Gred)

V for Vendetta (Red)

The Fast and the Furious (Yellow)

The Happening (Red)

2 Fast 2 Furious (Red)

Happy Gilmore (Green)

Billy Madison (Green)

If anyone wants an explanation for any of the color ratings I gave just put it in the comments and I'll write up a review for it.

Chortle, Girth, and Sunday Naps

I blame my Sunday nap for this post. It’s two in the morning and I’m bored. So I decided to write on m blog for some reason. Here are some random facts about my blog’s title.

If you google “chortle girth” my blog is the first thing that comes up. There are only 16,000 words. I guess not many people know how cool those words are together.

If you google “chortle” my blog is on page 25 and there are 1,020,000 results.

If you google “girth” 74 pages of results come up but my blog isn’t on any of them. But that might be a good thing because turns out “girth” is associated with a lot of scandalous websites.

There are no results for youtubing “Chortle Girth”

When you youtube “chortle” the first video is some British dude doing stand up but the video and sound sucks so I didn’t even finish watching it.

Youtubing “Girth” brings up more scandalous things. It’s too bad Youtube and Google are sullying such a fantastic word.

www.dictionary.com is a great way to interrupt the silence in the schools computer lab (I’ll tell you some awesome stories later). When you look up a word a voice will pronounce the word for you. Some times it’s a man and sometimes it’s a woman. And sometimes it’s an effeminate man.

Chortle is a woman’s voice.

Girth is a woman’s voice as well.

Chortle is a verb that means, “to chuckle gleefully.”

Girth is a noun that means, “circumference.”

If your looking up words on www.dictionary.com to see which voice is used then it’s time for bed. Good night.

The Greatest Website Ever Made

http://edmonton.ab.hotwings.ca/

It’s not just a chicken wing website. It’s the best chicken wing website.

If you are ever in the mood to go out for wings all you have to do is check this website and it will tell you what day of the week eatery’s have their wing night on. Pure deliciousness.

It even ranks them from cheapest to most expensive. I’m looking at it as I write this (on a Wednesday) and it looks like I can get 10 cents at a place called Brooklyn’s Lounge. When I click on the restaurant I can can see what kind of flavors they offer, a link to the map so I can find it, what kind of amenities this joint has, and it has reviews on the quality of the chicken wing eating experience.

That’s probably the best thing about this website. You can go out for 10 cent wings but if they suck then what’s the point, right? It’s good to get some feedback from someone who has already tried them out.

The only draw back to this site is that there aren’t enough reviews on it. It says that Brewsters near my house has the third best wings in the city. I was excited because it’s right down the road. Unfortunately, they aren’t that great. I’ve had tons of wings better then theirs.

So that means everyone who reads this has to go out for wings once a week for the rest of their lives and they can’t go to the same place twice until you’ve gone to them all. Then you have to review every meal. That way I’ll have a better idea of where to go.

So far my recommendation is Fargo’s on the East end of the city by Capilano Mall.

All this chicken wing talk is making me hungry.

Disco Ball or Bust

This is the wristband from the second Our Lady Peace concert they played a month ago. Yes you are correct. I have worn this on my wrist for over a month. The concert was on May 8.

I went with all my siblings. We had a competition to see who could wear their wrist band the longest without it breaking. Almost everyone was gone by the next day. By the end of the weekend it was down to two people. It was just Derek and I left.

And that’s the way it’s been for a month.

It was awkward at first. People kept asking me what was up with it. People at church looked worried because it says “Drinking age verified” on it. But after a week or two everyone in all my social circles were up to speed on my ambitions to win the contest.

But what’s the prize?

Last week or so Derek stumbled upon the prize for the winner. My brother found a disco ball in the ditch. And yes, that is the coolest sentence I have ever typed. It was decided that the disco ball would be the prize for whoever was the last man with the wrist band on.

My wristband is looking weak. The white parts are no longer white. Every time I take my coveralls off at work it looses a little more strength. The end is near. I only need to last a little bit longer.

Right now the wrist band is messing with my mind. I have to force myself from not ripping it off. It’s made out of paper! How can I resist its taunts?

The other day I thought I heard it talking to me. It's soaked up so much chemicals and such from work it’s either turned into its own life form or my brain is slowly being poisoned.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I win that disco ball.

Tim Tam Slammers

Your Welcome in advance.

Tim Tam’s are the delicious cookie that doubles as a straw. In fact, it’s hard to really enjoy one without using it as a straw. Here is a step by step guide to creating the Tim Tam Slammer.

Step 1: Buy Some Tim Tam’s and Hot Chocolate

For some reason you can’t get Tim Tam’s just anywhere. Safeway never has them. Save-on never has them. I’ve heard tales of Sobey’s having them in stock but I’ve never seen them there. You’re best bet is to hit up a super store. They specialize in foreign commodities.

After consulting Wikipedia I learned they come from Australia. That makes Australia the tastiest place on the planet.

Step 2: Make Hot Chocolate

I’m sorry for dropping this awesomeness on you during the hot months. But the next time we get a random snow storm you can thank me. Also, just as a hint, while I was taking the pictures the Tim Tam was melting so I recommend keeping your Tim Tam’s in the fridge. I’ve set aside a Tim Tam drawer in mine.

Step 3: Take a Bite (But Not Too Big)

This is a key step. Step three separates the rookies from the veterans. The smaller the bites the better. Don’t get too excited about eating the Tim Tam all at once. I promise you will be able to eat the Tim Tam just not yet.

Step 4: Suck

Put the Tim Tam in the hot chocolate. Not all the way. It just needs to go in far enough so that the small part you bit off is completely submerged. This is why it’s better to bite off a smaller piece. The smaller it is the less you have to submerge.

Now, once your bitten off corner is submerged suck on the other bitten off corner until you feel the hot chocolate get to your mouth. If you are sucking and you feel nothing then it means your bitten off corner isn’t completely submerged.

Step 5: Flip

Once it gets there flip the Tim Tam into your mouth and enjoy.

The first attempt might not be successful but the more you eat the better you will get at it.

Favorite Words and Phrases

Some of the words on my list are just there because they are fun to say. Whilst and eatery are two of those words. It’s just fun to use these old school words.

Whilst

The best is when you put these old school words into serious conversations. It will help relieve tension because whoever you are talking to will stop getting worked up about whatever you’re talking about and think to his/her self “Did he just use the word ‘whilst?’”

If the situation isn’t too serious then the problem might just go away and you can all have a laugh about how amusing the word “whilst” is.

An Example of a Situation That Can be Diffused With “Whilst”

“How come you don’t mute the TV while I’m on the phone?”

“I don’t mute it whilst you’re on the phone because then I wouldn’t be able to hear anything”

“Oh Tyler, your word choices have moved me and caused me to forget why I was mad at you. Let us go get strawberry and golden oreo blizzards.”

An Example of a Situation That Cannot be Diffused With “Whilst”

“My mom died and you didn’t tell me!”

“Wait here whilst I check my twitter account.”

*ultimate punch.

Eatery

An eatery is a place where you go to make/buy and consume food. Ofttimes at school we would refer to the cafeteria as the eatery. There was even one day that we were doing work outside the classroom and we had to write on the board where we were going. We went to the cafeteria so naturally I wrote “eatery” on the board.

Which is another reason why this word rocks. It reminds me of school. Not high school (which is lame) but the big orange building and all the PROW students (who are awesome).

Favorite words/phrases

-Chortle

-Girth

-Whilst

-Eatery

"Um" Tally

We had a meeting at work. Those words alone make me sleepy and what kind of meeting it was hasn’t even been defined yet.

For me, I’ve gotten used to our half hour early morning meeting we have everyday. But the one kind of meeting I will never get used to is the hour long company wide speaker phone meetings we have.

Company wide might not be right. It was just North America. Over 200 people were listening. You would think that this would be a productive well thought out meeting. But they aren't.

First of all, they are useless. They tell us to be safe and then take months to fix things and months to give us permission to stop unsafe procedures. Pointless.

Secondly, they suck at talking. For real. They are the worst speakers on the planet. If this job has taught me one thing it’s how to stay awake when surrounded by the most boring people on the planet talking in a monotone voice about the most boring things in the world.

This is how I stayed awake.

I kept a tally of how many times the speakers used the word “Um.”

I’ll save you some time and just tell you it’s 276 times. In one hour. Keeping this tally is the only thing that kept me awake.

And it didn’t work towards the end. Can you see that big ink dot between 267 and 268? That’s the dot that forms when you keep the tip of your pen on the paper for two long. It happened because I fell asleep.

Do you see that weird discoloration under the tally on the right side of the notebook? That’s from the pastries that we got to eat during the meeting. No doubt they were meant to keep us awake. It was hard to grab a doughnut and do the tally because the “Um’s” were too close together. I’d go to reach for one and they would say “Um.” I’d try again and they would “Um” again. It would happen like five times in a row. I must have looked crazy reaching for a doughnut and then going back empty handed to mark the notebook again and again and again.

Also, the one guy dropped several double “Um’s.” It was like he was starting and ending his sentences with “Um.”

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Yellow)

(If you're wondering about the (Yellow) business click here.)

If you want to go see this movie in theaters you won’t be wrong. You also won’t be wrong if you want to wait for the DVD.

Watching Jake Gyllenhaal parkour his way through the movie was awesome. I never played the video game this was based off of but from what I know I think bouncing off walls was a major part of the gaming experience. I also caught a hint of Assassins Creed in there.

The time traveling dagger had me worried but it was handled well. It’s good to see it can only be used for a minute and only certain sand will work. Without these restrictions things could have gone sideways in a hurry.

Oh, and the ostriches were amazing. Possibly the best part of the movie. I had no idea that they looked so ridiculous when they ran. It is quite the sight. I hope they get their own spin off movie. Also, you can get the ostrich race Lego set.

The story is really simple, in theory. It all revolves around the dagger. And yet I was constantly asking myself what was going on. It was always clear that they needed to take the dagger somewhere but the where and why were confusing.

It has too many pointless scenes and too much blah blah dialog for the protagonist to decide to do things I thought they were already going to do anyway.

Don’t see this movie for the dialog. See it for the action.

The predictable parts of the movie (I’m looking at you whatever Ben Kingsley’s character was named) are as abundant as the twists and cool parts. This makes the bad stuff easier to forget.

But there is no forgetting the scene where the black dude (did he even have a name?) steels the dagger. Nothing about that scene made sense and it drove me mad.

It’s safe to say that Prince of Persia is the best video game adaptation out there. Hopefully it explodes on home video so the studios will want to make a sequel. Prince of Persia: The Doom Ostrich.

I'd watch it.

How to Crush a Toonie With a Train, Part 2 of 3: Poke the Bear

For part one, Spocking a Five, click here.

I lied.

It doesn’t take very much at all to coheres the bear out of the toonie. At the end of the last article I said that it could possibly kill you but I was just trying to shock you into wanting to read my blog. It was a cheep trick and I apologize.

I guess technically you can die from anything. Did you know french fries can give you cancer (Yeah, it hasn’t stopped me either)? So I would recommend wearing safety goggles when performing this next task.

Octavio Mcladdy

Don’t forget that spocking fives and poking the middle out of toonies is illegal. I don’t break the law so I got my good friend Octavio Mcladdy to fill me in on how toonie breaking was done. Octavio lives life on the edge. Not only does he poke the middle out of toonies, he always takes a penny and never leaves one, he copies every dvd he rents, and steals his neighbors paper.

Plus with that kind of name you know he can’t be made up.

I remember when the toonie first came out I heard that if you put it in the freezer for a while that the middle would just pop out. My internet research said that that only worked on 1996 tonies.

Octavio’s Solution

It’s as easy as using a vice grip to grasp the edge of the outer toonie and then using a hammer to hit the end of a screw driver into the bear. I recommend poking the bear because it’s too disrespectful to say that you once poked a dead queen.

Things can go horribly awry. And just because I did say that it could kill you I will give examples.

• You could wind back too far with the hammer and gouge your eye Homer Simpson style.
• You could hammer your thumb and not the bear.
• The spark from the bear poke could ignite the gas in your house from that leak you’ve been meaning to fix.
• Instead of a screw driver you might accidently use a wand and when you hammer it the bear comes to life and eats you.

I guess with that last one there is also a possibility that the bear will turn out to be basil from sesame street and then you would have a new best friend.

Stay tuned for step 3 and this time when I say the next step could kill you I am not lying. Death and destruction if you don’t do exactly as I say. But be strong. The results are really cool. Cool enough to blog about.

Car Killer

My name is Tyler Hall and I am a car killer.

I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not. On the one hand it sucks that every car I own dies on me and I have to sink as much money into fixing them as I did buying them. But on the other hand it’s a flattering and humbling to know that I have been chosen as the person to help lead these cars on to the next stage of their life.

I’ve hated almost every second of it.

Jerk Pants

The few seconds I didn’t hate involved my first car, Jerk Pants. He was a Plymouth Acclaim I inherited from my parents. Jerk Pants wasn’t always a jerk. When he came to me he was known as the Scotsmobile. But then we lost the plush Scotsmen that was supposed to be always inside it and we had to rename (I know you stole it Chel).

The name Jerk Pants seemed appropriate. Sometimes it would start and sometimes it wouldn’t. Filling up for gas was a treat because you never knew if it would start again once you were full. I had some close calls while filling up at the Cactus Corner.

Jerk Pants was also the car that was stolen twice in three weeks. It’s wasn’t all bad because the rental I got was way sweeter then my car.

There were some good things about this car. He was reliable. And by that I mean it would always be the same thing that broke. Every year or so I would have to change the starter because an oil leak that was too expensive to fix would fry its wires. There was never a mystery about what was wrong with Jerk Pants. Until the end, that is.

In his final kilometers he started making weird noises. It sounded like a pod racer from Starwars. More specifically, Sebulba's (geeks will know what I’m talking about). It was cool to have a car that sounded like that but that sound was killing Jerk Pants. Plus it was so loud that I had trouble having a conversation in my car.

Herjon

I have nothing but animosity for my next car, Herjon, a 95 saturn. A piece of crap really. One of the worst purchases ever made. It never really worked and I don’t think I went for more then a few months without it breaking down. Where ever you are now, I just want you to know I hate you Herjon.

SBS

My brother named this car. SBS stands for Stinging Bullet of Shame. It’s a very appropriate name for this 92 Mazda Protege. I think I had it for a week before it crapped out on me. Cool stuff. It’s going into the shop tomorrow. I can’t wait to find out what’s wrong with it and how much it is going to cost to fix it.

Incidentally, don’t judge me for naming my cars. One of my friends told me only girls name their cars but I don’t think that’s true. Everyone in my family names their cars. It’s what the cool people are doing. Also, I name my computer Apple Hardcore and my iPod Protagonist.

Sebulba's Pod Racer